LET US STOP THE RAT-RACE OF COMPARING OURSELVES TO OTHERS. LIFE IS NOT A COMPETITION!
[Compilation for a Discourse by N.R. Srinivasan, November 2020]
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."--Albert Einstein
Let us not compare our lives to others! There’s no comparison between the Sun and the Moon. They shine when it’s their time. In the age of social media, we are bombarded with displays of accomplishment, triumph and celebration, and comparing ourselves to others is faster, easier and more prolific.
Let us look at all of the exciting and wonderful things everyone else is doing while we are sitting around, scrolling social media all day. Social Comparison Theory was first proposed in 1954 by psychologist Leon Feininger, who suggested that people have an innate drive to evaluate themselves based on comparison with others, whether it’s looks, talents, possessions and more. There are two kinds of social comparison:
1. Upward Social Comparisons are when we compare ourselves to others who we think are better than we are. Have you ever noticed that comparing yourself to others makes you feel jealous, envious or resentful? Anxious, lonely or depressed?
2. Downward Social Comparisons are when we compare ourselves to others who we think aren’t as good as we are. Have you ever noticed that comparing yourself to others makes you feel confident, proud or satisfied? Superior, smug or arrogant?
We will either think ourselves worse than someone else, or better than someone else. Neither of these is good. We must stop comparing. Each one must test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not his neighbor
Making comparisons is easier than ever these days because information is available at our Comparison kills the joy of achievement. No one can make us feel inferior without our consent!
Comparing ourselves to others isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If the energy is channeled properly, it can serve as a driving force that helps us work harder and strive higher. If we see others as acts of inspiration instead of adversaries, we can learn and be motivated by them and ourselves in a better position to accomplish our own hopes, goals and dreams. With proper will we appreciate people who are doing bigger, better or different things! It’s well known that athletes thrive off competition and use it to bring out the best in each other. At the same token, recognizing that our abilities are above someone else’s can deliver a boost to our confidence and self-esteem, but too much may lead to arrogance or conceit. “Comparison is the thief of joy.”--Theodore Roosevelt
Unfortunately, comparisons are more often than not, destructive and damaging. Comparisons usually negatively impact our emotional health and wellbeing. They make us feel small, insecure, inadequate and unhappy because there is always someone better out there. Instead of focusing and working on what we can control, we see ourselves as failures and let self-pity obstruct our drive to succeed and change who we are today into something better tomorrow. Unfortunately, there are no boundaries or limits to what or who you can compare ourselves to and our society loves to measure success based on the accomplishments of others.
Our confidence is compromised and those stepping stones that lead to our goals turn into mountains. A domino effect ensues as we focus on everything going wrong in our lives instead of everything that’s right. We focus on the impossible instead of the possible. We see the glass half empty instead of half full. Inadequacy, self-doubt and frustration set in because when we so desperately want what other people have. Sadly, if we are spending most of our day looking at other people lives we are not really living our own.
We are all born with the same level of dignity, value and human worth and we all develop at a different rate – socially, mentally and physically. Our journey will never be the same as someone else’s. Do not let the influences of the outside world dictate what we should be doing with our lives or the pace at which we are doing it. The only thing that we should be concerned with is being a better person than we were yesterday. Let us stop focusing on what we can’t control (others) and focus on what we can control (ourselves).
“Never worry about the delay of your success compared to others, because construction of a palace take more time than an ordinary building.”--Anonymus.
It’s a completely natural and common human tendency to compare and compete that is in our DNA. Our early ancestors used comparisons to make assessments of what other people were thinking. It takes strong self-awareness to acknowledge when it happens and to have the willpower to do something about it. Easier said than done. From an early age our helicopter moms and ambitious dads have pressured into comparing ourselves with our peers. We measure ourselves against what others do and what they have. “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” Ralph Waldo Emerson.
When we are constantly focusing on everyone else, we ignore what really matters and what we can control, ourselves. There is a difference between wanting to be better and wanting to be better than someone else. Let us reject any notion that we need external proof of our own self-worth. Our energy is better served by improving ourselves. “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”--Eleanor Roosevelt
All the material items and followers in the world mean nothing if someone is unhappy, lonely and unfulfilled. Not to mention exhausted from trying to keep up their image. Let us not forget to notice what is going on behind the scenes. It is not uncommon the person who appears to have the most is the least happy, while the person who appears to have the least is the most happy?
“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”--Oprah
Practice Self-awareness; 2. Show Gratitude; 3. Create Goals; 4. Turn inwards; 5. Know your Strengths; 6. Enjoy the Journey; 7. Swap Comparison for Inspiration; and 8. Love Yourself
There are more than 7 billion people in the world and only one you. You are important, original and unique. Recognize your own self-worth and be grateful for what you have. Accept your flaws and imperfections with honor and grace. Someone else doesn’t have to fail for you to succeed and vice versa. Do not define your value by comparing yourself to others. Realize that no one has a perfect life and that what you see on social media is like watching a fake reality TV show. Be confident and proud of who you are, where you’ve been, what you’ve done and the direction you’re going. When you’re happy with your own life, you care less about what everyone else is doing and focus on what matters.
With this social philosophy to lead a happy and contentment life and focused on elevating ourselves let us look at Bhagavad Gita verses Swamiji has picked up for us to lead a happy life and spiritually progress!
WEBINAR 186--COMPARISON RIGHT OR WRONG?
Comparing ourselves with others comes rather naturally to all of us. We look at others and conclude that we are better than these people but are way behind those. The former fills us with happiness and the latter brings sadness. We generally go about consciously engaging in such comparison, believing that to be the way to ensure our progress. That indeed is the way, we believe, to save ourselves from being thrown off the wagon in this competitive world.
A lot of spiritual literature, on the other hand, warns us against comparison. We are told to leave the so-called rat race and just be happy with what we have. Comparing and competing are identified as the causes of endless stress and unhappiness. “Complete each other,” goes the advice, “and not compete with each other!”
The webinar will examine both the arguments for and against comparison, and will attempt to show a way out of the apparent dilemma.
Ever content | santusthah satatam ..| Geeta 12.14
Being free from jealousy | vimatsarah | Geeta 4.22
Not making petty or unnecessary objections | anasooyah | Geeta 18.71
Let us go through the hymns from Gita under discussion to which I have added one more to grasp the gospel of Swamiji for a better listening with preparedness, while understanding their purport as explained in Bhakti Vedanta. But Swamiji will lead us more to its practicality in our daily life.
adveṣhṭā sarva-bhūtānāṁ maitraḥ
karuṇa eva cha
nirmamo nirahankāraḥ
sama-duḥkha-sukhaḥ
kṣhamī ||
12-13 ||
santuṣhṭaḥ
satataṁ
yogī
yatātmā dṛiḍha-niśhchayaḥ
mayy arpita-mano-buddhir yo mad-bhaktaḥ
sa me priyaḥ || 12-14||
BG 12.13-14: Those devotees are very dear to Me who are free from malice toward all living beings, who are friendly, and compassionate. They are free from attachment to possessions and egotism, equipoised in happiness and distress, and ever-forgiving. They are ever-contented, steadily united with the Lord in devotion, self-controlled, firm in conviction, and dedicated to the Lord in mind and intellect.
Free from malice toward all living beings. The devotees realize that all living beings are tiny parts of God. If they harbor envy toward others, it is tantamount to harboring envy toward God Himself. So the devotees are free from malice even toward those who are inimical toward them. Devotees try to make enemies friends!
Friendly and compassionate. Devotion engenders the feeling of unity amongst all living beings by virtue of their being children of the one God. The notion of seeing others as alien to oneself is wiped out. This leads to the growth of affability in the devotees and sympathy toward the sufferings of others.
Free from attachment to possessions and egotism. The biggest enemy of devotion is pride. One can only progress on the spiritual path if one practices self-effacement. Proficient devotees naturally become humble and eliminate pride and proprietorship from their personality, as well as the false identification of being the body.
Equipoised in happiness and distress. Devotees have faith that only efforts are in their hands, while the results are in the hands of God. So whatever results come their way, they see them as the will of God, and accept them with equanimity.
Ever forgiving. Devotees never think of punishing wrongdoers for their emotional satisfaction. Harboring such negative thoughts toward others ruins one’s own devotion. So accomplished devotees refuse to harbor unforgiving thoughts in all circumstances and leave the task of punishing wrongdoers upon God.
Ever contented. Contentment comes not from increasing our possessions, but by decreasing our wants. Devotees no longer look upon material objects as the source of pleasure, and thus are content with whatever they get.
Steadily united with the Lord in devotion. As explained previously, “Yog” means union. Devotees are yogis because their consciousness is absorbed in God. This absorption is not occasional or intermittent, but steady and constant because they are established in their relationship with God.--Om ityaatymaanam yunjeeta.
Self-controlled. Devotees attach their mind to God in loving devotion. It is thus detached from the world, and this gives them mastery over their mind and senses.
Firm in conviction. The quality of determination comes from possessing a resolute intellect. Since devotees tie their intellect to the knowledge of the scriptures and the instructions of the Guru (stithaprajnyaah), it becomes so resolute that even if the whole world tries to convince them otherwise, they do not budge an inch from their position.
yadṛichchhā-lābha-santuṣhṭo
dvandvātīto vimatsaraḥ
samaḥ
siddhāvasiddhau cha kṛitvāpi na nibadhyate || 4-22 ||
Content with whatever gain comes of its own accord, and free from envy, they are beyond the dualities of life. Being equipoised in success and failure, they are not bound by their actions, even while performing all kinds of activities.
Just like there are two sides to a coin, so too God created this world full of dualities—there is day and night, sweet and sour, hot and cold, rain and drought, etc. The same rose bush has a beautiful flower and also an ugly thorn. Life too brings its share of dualities—happiness and distress, victory and defeat, fame and notoriety. Lord Ram himself, in his divine pastimes, was exiled to the forest the day before he was to be crowned as the King of Ayodhya.
While living in this world, nobody can hope to neutralize the duality to have only positive experiences. Then how can we successfully deal with the duality that come our way in life? The solution is to take these duality in stride, by learning to rise above them in equipoise in all situations. This happens when we develop detachment to the fruits of our actions, concerning ourselves merely with doing our duty in life without yearning for the results. When we perform works for the pleasure of God, we see both positive and negative fruits of those works as the will of God, and joyfully accept both.
sraddhavan
anasuyas casrnuyad api yo narah
so 'pi muktah subhal lokanm prapnuyat punya-karmanam || 18-71 ||
And one who listens with faith and without envy becomes free from sinful reaction and attains to the planets where the pious dwell.
Bhagavad-Gita is for the devotees only, but it so happens that sometimes a devotee of the Lord will hold open class, like Swami Chidananda, and in that class all the students are not expected to be devotees. It is explained here that although everyone is not a devotee, still there are many men who are not envious of the Lord. They have faith in Him as the Supreme Personality of Godhead. If such persons hear from a bona fide devotee about the Lord, the result is that they become at once free from all sinful reactions and after that attain to the planetary system where all righteous persons are situated. Therefore simply by hearing Bhagavad Gita, even a person who does not try to be a pure devotee attains the result of righteous activities. Thus a pure devotee of the Lord gives everyone a chance to become free from all sinful reactions and to become a devotee of the Lord.
Those who are righteous in performing devotional service but who are not pure can attain the planetary system of the polestar, or Dhruvaloka, where Dhruva Maharaja is presiding. He is a great devotee of the Lord, and he has a special planet which is called the polestar.
Ditch the Unhealthy Need to Compare & Compete says Dr. Julie Hanks to Women
“Competition and comparison usually lead to negative feelings and evaluations and to disconnection with ourselves and with others. What do we hope to gain by comparing and competing with other women?Western culture tends to believe in a scarcity mentality—that we have to compete with others and that resources and opportunities are limited. There isn’t enough. This spills over into emotional and social areas as well. We like to think we’re the smartest, the strongest, or the best. We feel satisfied in winning the game or beating out someone for a job.
Culturally, we seem to attribute this competitive drive mainly to men. They’re ambitious in sports, in their careers, etc. But women tend to be emotionally competitive, and there’s no end to areas that we compete in: parenting, income, craftiness, how our home looks, and definitely in our appearance. We use competition as a way to cover up our insecurities, to try to prove our worth, and perhaps because we think that there’s a limited supply of success and joy in the world. Unfortunately, this attitude can compromise relationships, happiness, and even our feelings of self-worth.
Here are some ways to help you stop competing with other women:
One of the first things he suggests doing is looking inside, rather than side to side. By that it means stop looking to other people as the source of our contentment or for proof that we are worthy. Instead of trying to size up someone else, look at yourself and ask what your individual life mission is and how you are seeking to fulfill it. Also, try to stop looking to other people to validate you and work on validating yourself! Ask yourself what your personal life mission is and how you’re improving instead of looking around and trying to outdo others.
At the root of competition is comparison, and we as women need to put an end to this vicious cycle. Teddy Roosevelt famously said that comparison is the thief of joy—he’s so right! When we compare, we either come out on top or on bottom, but either way, it takes away the joy. Remember that someone else’s success has nothing to do with you. Harsh as that may sound, it puts things into perspective that you don’t have to feel less about yourself because of someone else’s accomplishments. When you feel sad or less than another woman, you’re so preoccupied with yourself that you can’t celebrate and be happy for her. So when those feelings of jealousy or envy creep up (and they do for all of us at times), actively fight them and tell yourself that you refuse to play this losing game called comparison.
Another good strategy to ditch the competition is to practice a mindset of abundance. By this I mean to let go of this notion that only some people are successful, only a select few score a great man or a fulfilling career, etc. There really is enough love and joy for us all! A scarcity mindset can evoke a panic because it means that if someone else wins, you lose. Fortunately, that’s not the case. In the game of life, there can be multiple winners. We can stop this exhausting rat race and understand that another woman’s good fortune can add to our happiness, not detract from it.
And lastly, I encourage you to appreciate all things beautiful, whether in yourself or in other people. For example, if you find a certain woman particularly beautiful, instead of feeling envious and insecure, acknowledge her beauty, perhaps even compliment her on it, and then find inspiration in it. Appreciating all things beautiful can go beyond physical beauty and extend to anything pleasant or admirable. Maybe you’ve met someone whose job, family, or life inspires you in some way. Once you’ve been on the receiving end of some celebration of your own beauty, you’ll want to share that thrill with others. It feels so good to foster support and encouragement for one another. Let’s work on that as women.
When competition is ingrained in our psyche, it can be hard to let go of it. Practice these skills to quit comparing and sizing up other women to find peace and joy in celebrating our successes together”.
Stop Competing & Complete Each Other! Be Better Not Bitter
Competing, a word of action that steals your joy, and doesn’t allow love to flow in. Why do we find the need to compete so much with each other? Are we not content with how our Creator, designed us? We have women competing over who looks better, who is smaller or who has the longest hair. The men compete with each other over money, who has the better looking wife, or drive the best named car. What we live in, and what we drive is not our success, but your downfall. We are supposed to be completing each other. We do that by helping our sisters, and brothers. Stop competing, and start completing by being spiritual. We are all designed with different abilities for us to come together, care and share – not to out shine the other. Usually, if we are jealous of another, it’s because we dislike something in us!
Let us strive to love the difficult! Even when we know someone is not being true to us! Let uslove them even more because good Lord has never given up on us! Let us he blessed in our new walk to complete and not compete.
Men and women have been created to complement one another through their own unique strengths and not compete; we are exponentially better together--sanghacchadvam sam vadadvam. This goes for husband- wife, father-daughter, and mother-son, religious worship relationship and personal and professional relationships. It doesn’t take a PhD to know men and women are not the same- we don’t think the same, talk the same or act the same. These differences aren’t a result of our environments and our upbringing, they’re built in by design, God’s design. As it says in Genesis 1:27, “He made male and female in His image”
Be YOURSELF: Stop Comparing to Others!
One of the favorite quotes of all time is “A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it, it just blooms.”
The social media rat race makes it so easy to compare ourselves to others. Every day we see our peers’ highlight reels unfold in our news feeds and timelines.
We see people at their very best: whether they’re taking their dream vacation, getting promoted at their jobs, showing off their perfect relationship, or just wearing the perfect outfit.
It’s easy to let feelings of comparison, inadequacy, and envy creep up on us. No one is immune to it. Even the most confident, self-assured individuals compare themselves to others.
However, we could learn a thing or two from the flowers.
Each flower in nature is unique and beautiful on its own. Flowers bloom without wondering “Will the flower next to me bloom larger and steal my sunshine?”
They simply do what they are meant to do and embrace their purpose. They don’t question their beauty, or success, or desirability.
They. just. bloom.
When flowers come together in perfect harmony, (just like this gorgeous wall of Bougainvillea behind us) they make something even more beautiful and stunning.
A bouquet of flowers sends a more powerful message than one– especially when you add diversity and include different types of flowers and plants!
We as humans are the same way: perfectly unique, beautiful as individuals, but even more stunning when we come together and work together for a common cause.
Let me share with you 12 quotes I turn back to whenever I feel comparison creeping up on me. I hope they are as helpful to you, as they have been to me.
“Why compare yourself to others? No one is the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.” – Anonymous
“Comparison with myself brings improvement, comparison with others brings discontent.” – Betty Jamie Chung
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” – Steve futtock
“Personality begins where comparison leaves off. Be unique. Be memorable. Be confident. Be proud.” – Shannon L. Alder
“Don’t compare your life to others. There’s no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it’s their time.” – Anonymous
“We’re only envious of those already doing what we were made to do. Envy is a giant, flashing arrow pointing us toward our destiny.” – Glenna Doyle Melton
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Don’t compare your beginnings to someone else’s middle.” – Tim Hiller
“The only person you should try to be better than is who you were yesterday.” – Anonymous
“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."--Albert Einstein
Vijnanena Atmanam vedayati atmanaa vindate veeryam-- by Spiritual science one turns inwards realizing Self. One gains strength by realizing Self--Vedanta.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
[Engrossed in EQ and SQ Management Studies and Inspired by Webinar 186, Comparison, Right or Wrong, this compilation has been made for a discourse at Vedanta class of Sri Ganesha Temple, Nashville Tennessee by N.R. Srinivasan adopting the thoughts from Doctors, Philosophers and Modern Spiritual Monks, Bhakti Vedanta School, Bhagavad Gita and Mahanarayana Upanishad, that are gratefully acknowledged.]
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