HIND-JEW INTER-RACIAL WEDDING CELEBRATION

HIND-JEW INTER-RACIAL WEDDING CELEBRATION

[Where cultures meet bound by the universal binding force of Love]

(Compilation by N.R. Srinivasan, Nashville, TN, USA, October 2019)

INTRODUCTION

Hinduism and Judaism are among the oldest existing religions in the world. The two share some similarities and interactions throughout both the ancient and modern worlds.

About 5,000 Jews reside in India today. The  Bnei Menashe   are a group of more than 9,000 Jews from the Indian states Manipur and  Mizoram who have resided in India since as early as 8th century BC.  More than half have migrated to Israel when immigration laws were liberal. On 31 March 2005, Sephardi Rabbi, Shlomo Amar, one of Israel's two chief rabbis accepted the Bnei Menashe's claim of being one of the  ten lost tribes  considering their devotion to Judaism. 

Of all religious groups, Hindus and Jews remain the most successful  in retaining their adherents and are the two most educated groups. There are some who profess a belief in both religions: they regard themselves as Hind-jew, a portmanteau of Hindu and Jew.  This group has started lifting its head in USA by inter-racial marriages unlike other interfaith marriages who largely move to SBNR group.  In this SBNR group the children are brought up in the faith of the parent who has strong influence on the children.

Judaism has been compared with Brahminism by Osho Rajneesh and  Steven Rosen in their books. They cite the similarities between Brahmins and Jews who viewed themselves as "God's chosen people." Rosen adds that Brahmins had a "community of priests" while Jews had a "Kingdom of Priests.

 David Flosser says that the tale of Abraham has many similarities with a certain story from the Upanishads, stating that "One can easily discover parallels in the Upanishads to the Abraham legend".

American biologist Constantine Samuel Rafinesque (1783-1840) in his book The American Nations discusses linguistic and traditional similarities between the two religions.  Rabbi Metzger stated:  “Jews have lived in India for over 2,000 years and have never been discriminated against. This is something unparalleled in human history." When Romans were throwing Christians and Jews to wolves in the arena Jews were peacefully worshiping in synagogues in Kerala.

Swami Dayananda recognized the similarities of both religions and pointed to the belief in One supreme being, non-conversion, oral recitation of the Veda and the Torah, and the special importance of peace and non-violence. 

Aptekar is a Bene Israel name; Apte is a Chitpavan Brahmin name. “For all we know, the Chitpavan Brahmins and the Jews came from the same stock of people who were thrown ashore in that shipwreck," says Moses.

Aristotle say: “Jews are derived from the Indian philosophers; they are named by the Indians Calami, and by the Syrians Judaei, and took their name from the country they inhabit, which is called Judea.” (Book I:22) [1]

Both Jews and Hindus perform marriage rites under a canopy. They remove their sandals while entering a temple or synagogue. They have ritual baths before special occasions. Both religions require the isolation of women during the days of the menstrual period and after childbirth. Their death rites are similar.

HIND-JEW INTERRACIAL WEDDING

Living in USA I had visited two Hind-Jew weddings that took my thoughts to  analyze the traditions of these two ancient religions of the East and Middle  East. Normally in Hindu Christian Inter-race/ Interfaith marriages in USA the bride and bridegroom often decide  to have the a Hindu wedding in Hindu temple and a Christian wedding in the Church. Here again Hindu partner is keen to have the wedding in Hindu style but not the Christian partner in Church for  is not brought up in a religious tradition. But in Hinjew weddings both the partners are brought up religiously and insist to hold on to their traditions. Surprisingly these two ancient traditions blend so well often the wedding takes place under a canopy   where both a Hindu priest and  a Rabbi solemnize the wedding in their own style  and participants take interest in all rituals and celebrations. Rabbi is thus more liberal in view than a Christian pastor.

Both the Hindjew weddings I attended in USA were conducted in Brahminical Tamil wedding style so popular in USA. In the recent wedding bride was a Punjabi and the boy was a Jew. Mother of the bride married to an Arya-samajist preferred a South Indian Brahmin priest to conduct the wedding and parents of the boy brought a Rabbi with them.   South Indian wedding is loaded with Havans which Aryasamajists love. She is also very liberal minded and equally focused on Ramayan Path in Hindu temple and Sathyavachan in Gurudwara.

The wedding started with the Welcoming of bridegroom’s party by the bride’s party honoring them with aarati and garlands and leading the bridegroom  to  the canopy. The well dressed up in Punjabi style girl was brought by boy’s parents to the canopy  as  in customary Jewish bridal procession. The Hindu priest started with   Family deity worship, kankana bandhanam  followed by garland exchange that have the same significance as a later ring exchange in Jewish tradition. This was followed by kanyadanam, mangalya dharanam,  panigrahanam,  homam, saptapadi, ashmarohanam, laaja homam, aseervadam and kankana visarjanam. Then Rabbi also  solemnized the wedding with Torah mantras, ring exchange, declaring them as husband and wife before the audience, calling for their blessings  and breaking of the wine glass by the bridegroom. Thus concluded both Hindu and Jewish ritualistic ceremony. This was followed by the celebration of joyous movement both with Bhangra dance to the rhythm of beating drums brought from India  in harmony with Jewish music and dance  and tossing of the bride and bride groom and their parents  as well and that of  the bridegroom as in Jewish tradition.  The whole object behind all this merriment is to bring the two families and their relatives together closer with community participation as well, and then leave the bride and bridegroom to their privacy or honeymoon plans. There was the usual vidayi farewell ceremony too.

Let me now discuss in detail certain essential rituals in both Hindu and Jewish Interracial Wedding as well as social celebrations. While Hinds have kept all old Vedic rituals intact, have added additional  celebrations for merriment even adopting ring exchange  and Cake cutting  Jews have been modifying old traditions to give  a new twist.

Both Jews and Hindus perform marriage rites under a canopy. They remove their sandals while entering a temple or synagogue. They have ritual baths before special occasions. Both religions require the isolation of women during the days of the menstrual period and after childbirth. Their death rites are similar.

Jewish wedding will often be a liberal Jew’s first public declaration of their Inter-Jewish identity or religion since childhood.

In Hindu wedding it is the declaration of completion of Vedadhyayana (completion of religious education) and ready to enter adulthood to take a responsible position in society.

The ancient understanding that a wedding is a transfer of property, and the standard of this property value is a virgin—ideally, with a full intact hymn (Mishnah Ketubbot 1).

In Hinduism it is Kanyadana by the father, and determination on the part of the virgin girl to enter into Grihastasrama and fulfill her obligation to the family she is entering into as exchange girl (mattruppenn) and take up responsible role in society joining her husband and preserving Dharma as sahadharmini equal partner in Dharma obligations.

The most recognizable symbols included in a Jewish wedding today, the huppah (canopy) and the breaking of the glass, are actually impossible to understand without understanding marriage traditionally as the acquisition of a woman, and a woman’s value as inexorably tied to her virginity status. Our modern day incorporations of the huppah, breaking the glass, the ketubah (marriage contract), and even the processional, or “walk down the aisle,” are millennia-old traditions steeped in the notion of woman as property—first her father’s and then, with the completion of the wedding, her husband’s. Each custom and ritual that creates the wedding ceremony is fraught with this language, imagery, and symbolism:

The bridal procession—as old as the Bible—was originally the actual transference of the bride to her husband’s home, and the chuppah, or   under which Jewish marriages are still celebrated, was in ancient time either the canopied litter occupied by the bride during the procession, or the actual apartment to which the married couple retired when the wedding had been solemnized.

The canopy is also essential part of the wedding and so also Pandal now adapted as Pendal in English under which panigrahana are handing over the girl to the boy takes place. May be this has come from Kerala Jew  tradition that again is from Tamil culture:

mattaLam koTTa variSangam ninRUda muttizhai dAmam niRaindAzhnda pandarkIzh

maittunan nambi madhusUdanan vandu yen kaittalam paTRa kanA kaNDEn tOzhi nAn

Lovelorn Saint Andal writes in Tiruppabvai:  “I next saw (in my dream) under (kIzh) the canopy (pandal) covered (niRaindAznda) with ropes (dAmam) encrusted (izhai) with pearls (muttu), my cousin (maittunan), that perfect soul (nambi), the one who destroyed (sUdanan) the demon madhu, come (vandu) and accept (paTRa) my (yen) hand (kaitalam), to the accompaniment of drums (mattaLam) beating (koTTa) and a line (vari) of conches (Sangam) being blown (ninRUda).”

This hymn throws light on the traditional need for  a decorated canopy  and musical band in a Hindu wedding, much ancient custom than that of Jews.

Today’s Jewish bridal procession has also largely been assimilated into contemporary American norms. It is usually a restrained and reverent moment during which the bride is preceded down the aisle by modern-day shushvinim (bridesmaids and groomsmen), and is then escorted down the aisle, either by her father or by both her parents.

In Hindu wedding it is the bride’s parents that bring the girl fully dressed and jeweled (sarvabharana bhooshitam) to the boy seated with his parents on the canopy, in front of the audience of friends  and relatives and hands her over to the boy hand-in-hand by a series of rituals raising the voice to the Supreme and audience as witnesses.

In front of a rapt audience, the bride is met before the huppah by her groom and handed off by her parents or father; then her groom escorts her underneath the huppah. The audience stands, literally, in witness to this moment and is seated once the couple is situated beneath the huppah, ready to complete the acts of kiddushin and nisuin—the marriage ceremony. Somehow the very values of egalitarian feminine values many modern Jewish identities are built upon are not reflected in their wedding ceremony.

The majority of young, liberal, American Jewish women today consider it of utmost importance to create and maintain an egalitarian relationship—before and after marriage. But considered less are the deep implications of the rituals that create the transformational moment that changes a single woman to a married wife.

In Hindu wedding rituals and customs, it reflects still traditional ancients’  egalitarian feminine values, that got lost its value somewhat  in the modern society  influenced and intimidated by other cultures, by  declaring her repeatedly as  saha dharmini,  equal partner in discharge of duties. 

Jewish communities were facing some challenges similar to those confronting American Jewry today: they were minority communities in Catholic, Christian, or Muslim majority countries facing anti-Semitism and fearing cultural assimilation. Taking cues from their Jewish knowledge and local culture, they established customs that evolved but remained within the bounds of halakhah (Jewish law) and Jewish tradition.  Orthodox Jews are desirous of   reclaiming of old traditions that have mostly fallen out of use in the United States. This can materialize if —the orthodox generations that came before USA could  guide the  future generations. The European Jewish communities of medieval and early modern times could help them in the process too. May be this is true with Hindus too.

To conduct the wedding in the Hindu Temple for my daughter in Albany, USA, I borrowed   a canopy from a local Synagogue. The present day Jewish huppah custom became handy. Of course my daughter had a traditional Tamil wedding married to a Hindu Brahmin boy in USA, Originally, the marriage ceremony did not begin at the huppah at the synagogue or the bridal/event house but rather at the homes of the bride and groom. Perhaps this canopy concept was bought from Hindu custom. Even today Syrian Christian  Jewish Weddings in Kerala practice Tying of a Thali of Swastika, a holy symbol for Jews and Orthodox Greeks.

Malayalee Syrian Christians (I believe Jews also may be Swstika) similar to Hindu wedding influenced by Hindu culture. Minnukettu means tying the knot. Minnukettu means tying the knot.   A 'minnu' is a small leaf shaped pendant made of gold, with 7 tiny beads placed together on the leaf to form a cross (+), symbolizing the holy cross. Minnu is put on a thread spun with twenty one threads taken from the Manthrakodi (wedding saree). Seven threads are first taken and spun together. Two more such sets are made, and these three sets are spun together to make the final thread and minnu is put on this thread. The minnu is tied around the bride's neck by the groom on the day of their marriage. The knot tied is called the reef knot, which is almost impossible to un-knot. This symbolizes the permanence of the marriage. A good way to remember how to tie a reef knot is: left over right and right over left. After seven days of marriage, the minnu is put on a gold chain and is expected to be worn till death. Minnu is an indication of a married woman. Manthrakodi or the wedding sari like Koorai pudavai in Hindu Tamil practice is a gift to the bride from the groom and his family symbolizing him as her provider. Covering the brides head with Manthrakodi is another common tradition in Kerala Christian weddings. It symbolizes the groom's promise of being a protector of his bride for the rest of her life.

Wedding parties were individually escorted to a ceremony known in early modern Ashkenaz as the meien custom.   The shushvinim are a perfect example of a ritual innovation from early Judaism that holds a different, but still functional, ritual role in the modern Jewish wedding. Rabbi Maurice Lamm points out, “There is no expression in all of Jewish tradition of the bride walking with her father only, as a symbol of the father ‘giving away’ the bride. This again is a custom copied from Hinduism.  The bridal procession in these communities was a communal act that occurred at daybreak—a time of transition—by the light of torches and the music of the klezmerim (klezmer musicians). Music was so integral to the atmosphere of the wedding ceremony for the Maharil that he did not allow weddings to take place without it that is a must in Hindu wedding for Gattimelam.  The Maharil details his community’s on this pre-wedding ceremony:

“At dawn on Friday, when the beadle called the people to prayer, he summoned the bridegroom to the Meien ceremony, The Rabbi led the way with the bridegroom to the courtyard of the synagogue, and a crowd of people followed, brandishing lighted torches and playing on musical instruments. Having escorted the bridegroom, the torch-bearers and musicians retraced their steps and soon returned with the bride and her company. When she reached the entrance of the courtyard, the Rabbi and other notables brought the bridegroom forward to receive her. The groom  took her hand, and   they stood there clasped together. . . .”

\Two distinct features from the meien should be particularly emphasized with the background of Hindu Culture when reclaiming and reinstituting this bridal procession ritual in contemporary Jewish weddings: community involvement and joy. The meien procession would not be possible without the involvement of the greater community—from the klezmer musicians to the torchbearers, from the relatives to the shushvinim. The entire community involved in the wedding creates the custom and the ceremony itself. The contemporary Jewish wedding procession of today lacks the involvement of the full community and the participation of all attendees: only a select few family members and friends participate. The procession as currently practiced creates a divide between ceremony and celebration, between before and after the marriage, whereas the meien creates a liminal space of transition. This separation within the wedding ceremony is an a celebration is modern construction perhaps borrowed from their very ancient contact with Hinduism.

indu culture Hin

 The literal translation of ancient religious meien is to increase merriment.  The joy and celebration for all involved in the wedding starts  before   panigrahana and mangalya dharana  in Hinduism.  Ring exchange and marriage cake cutting are modern introductions for merriment added to old religious custom.

Rings are exchange and yichud (seclusion, or time alone for the newly married couple) completes the marriage ritual in Judaisam.

In ancient custom the joy and celebration was, literally, taken through the streets, from within the couples’ family homes toward the huppah—from the private to the public. The joy of the married couple is the joy of the community, and vice versa. For a long time Hindus in the North have enjoyed Barat with such a pomp and show, yichud also reflects vidaayi or parting ceremony of the married couples to live together that is reflected in Yichud ceremony.

\Some Indian weddings abroad symbolically maintain some of the customs in India. Like the arrival of the groom on a horse (baraat) with the band.

Many Hindu weddings start with the Milan (meeting) and Swaagatam (welcome) ceremony. This ritual is where the Baraat (groom's procession party) arrives at the bride's home or the location where the bride is and marriage will be celebrated. The Baraat typically includes dancing by joyous members of groom's family, relatives and friends. On their arrival, there is a ritual where key persons from the groom's side and bride's side are introduced to each other. The introduction is typically followed by Jai mala (garland exchange between bride and groom) and a reception that serves food and drinks.

The community is considered a basic source of legitimation in the validation of the marriage.     and rituals to stand for more egalitarian values and allowing women’s own identities to be fully recognized as they engage in this important life transition. This again is the philosophy taken from ancient Hindu marriage.

Breaking of the Glass

The Breaking of the Glass symbolizes the destruction of the Jewish temple in Jerusalem.

Couples include this tradition in their wedding ceremony as it symbolizes the absolute finality of the marital covenant.

Just as the broken pieces of glass can never be put back together and returned to its former state, so the covenant of marriage irrevocably binds the new husband and wife in their new state of marriage.

The breaking of the glass is one of the most beloved traditions of a Jewish wedding ceremony.

This goblet was created especially for the treasured moment when the BRIDE and GROOM sanctify their marriage.

This ancient practice has been interpreted in many ways.

As a symbol of the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem, the glass reminds us of sadness even in during the most joyous of occasions.

Another view is that a broken glass cannot be mended and this reflects the permanence of marriage.

After the wedding, the BRIDE and GROOM will be changed forever.

Some consider the fragility of glass as a symbol of the frailty of human relationships.

Even as BRIDE and GROOM strengthens their relationship with the act of marriage, they must remember the care required to maintain this bond as they settle into their life together.

No matter what the interpretation, the breaking of the glass is an important part of any Jewish wedding and marks the beginning of a new life together.

After GROOM breaks the glass, I invite everyone to shout the Hebrew words Mazel Tov,” meaning Good Luck” and Congratulations.

The above, with religious sadness also in mind,    is again an adoption from the elaborate  Saptapadi, stepping on the hard stone and  fire sacrifice with puffed rice rituals  in Hindu marriage as  final,  raising the  voice to the Supreme  to overcome the hardness in married life and to live in peace but not in pieces as symbolized in  crushing the wine glass.

Life is a mixture of happiness and sorrow like the wine and the broken glass an action based on excessive drinking resulting in breaking glass.

Saptapadi hymns bring forth the following meaning:

\Priest's preface: The world of men and women, united in the bond of marriage by Saptapadi (seven steps), to further promote the joy of life together--listen with pride.

Step 1 Groom's vow: O!  You, who feed life-sustaining food, nourish my visitors, friends, parents and off-springs with food and drinks. O! Beautiful lady,  I in the form of Vishnu, take this first step with you for food.

Step 1--Bride's vow: Yes, whatever food you earn with hard work, I willsafeguard it, prepare it to nourish you. I promise to respect your wishes, and nourish your friends and family as well.

(Step one refers to the availability of ample food in the home, eating and living together)

Step 2--Groom's vow: O!  Thoughtful and beautiful lady, with a well-managed home, with purity of behavior and thought, you will enable us to be strong, energetic and happy. O! Beautiful lady! I as Vishnu, take this second step with you for the strength of body, character and being.

Step 2 Bride's vow: Yes, I will manage the home according to my ability and reason. Together, I promise, to keep a home that is healthy, strength and energy giving.

(Step two relates to physical work around the house)

Step 3 ---Groom's vow: O!  Skillful and beautiful lady, I promise to devote myself to earning a livelihood by fair means, to discuss, and let you manage and preserve our wealth. O! Dear lady! I, in the role of Vishnu, cover this third step with you to thus prosper in our wealth.

Step 3--Bride's vow: Yes, I join you in managing our income and expenses. I promise to seek your consent, as I manage our wealth, fairly earned, so it grows and sustains our family.

(Step three relates to mutual respect and prosperity)

Step 4--Groom's vow: O dear lady! I promise to trust your decisions about the household and your choices; I promise to dedicate myself to help our community prosper, the matters outside the house. This shall bring us respect. O! My lady! I, as Vishnu, take this fourth step with you to participate in our world. (Vishnu took three steps to measure the two visible words and Netherworlds pushing Bali according to Puranas)

Step 4--Bride's vow: Yes, I promise to strive to make the best home for us, anticipate and provide necessary things for your worldly life, and for the happiness of our family.

(Step four relates to happiness)

Step 5--Groom's vow: O lady of skill and pure thoughts! I promise to consult with you and engage you in the keep of our cows, our agriculture and our source of income; I promise to contribute to our country. It shall win us future. O My skilled lady! I, as Vishnu form, take this fifth step with you to together grow our farms and cattle.

Step 5--Bride's vow: Yes, I promise to participate and protect the cattle, our agriculture and business. They are a source of milk, yoghurt,   ghee and income, all useful for our family and necessary for our happiness. {Aryans were basically agricultarists}

(Step five relates to personal duties and responsibilities)

Step 6--Groom's vow: O!  Lovely lady, I seek you and only you, to love, to have children, to raise a family, to experience all the seasons of life. O! My lovely lady, I as Vishnu take this sixth step with you to experience every season of life.

Step 6--Bride's vow: Feeling one with you, with your consent, I will be the means of your enjoyment of all the senses. Through life's seasons, I will cherish you in my heart. I will worship you and seek to be complete with you.

(Sixth step relates to mutual respect for each other’s families striving together)

Step 7--Groom's vow: O friends!  Allow us to cover the seventh step together, this promise, our Saptapadi-friendship. Please be my ever loving wife.

Step 7--Bride's vow: Yes, today, I possess you I secured the highest kind of friendship with you. I will remember the vows we just took and adore you forever sincerely with all my heart.

(Seventh step relates to mutual friendship gained between the couple)
After the seventh step, the two become man and wife.  With Saptapadi completed, the groom and bride change seats, the bride moving from the right to the left of the groom.

Ashmarohanam (Treading the Stone) and Laaja Homam

Husband then holds wife’s toe of the right leg and places it on a stone placed to the right side of Agni (fire).  While doing so, he goes through the mantra:

 "May you step on this stone !  May you   be steadfast as the stone; may you overcome those who intend to harm you and may you tolerate your enemies!"-

Laaja homa  ritual   is done   with a view to ensure long life to her husband, wife offers puffed rice to Agni going round and stepping on the stone each time. The rice is poured into her hand by wife’s brother and with the recitation of mantras husband pours ghee to the rice and together they offer the rice to the Agni. Husband then goes round the Agni and once again keeps her right feet on the stone. This is done three times.  Priest then invokes Agni saying:  “Oh, Agni, bless the couple with perfect mental accord”  

Hindu and  Jew  Concept of GOD

In the Vedas the Supreme Consciousness Prajnaanam declares Himself as    Aham Asmi, means I am That; Aham Brahma asmi, means, I am the Supreme Knowledge. I am the Brahman.  Brahman is derived from the root brih, “to grow, to grow great” which is only undoubtedly only vridh in another form. If so, the English “Word” is ultimately the same as the Vedic Brahman etymologically. Bible says in the beginning there was the Word, the Word was with GOD and the Word was God. Vedas also Om ityekakshram Brahma-the mono syllable Om is Brahman.

 Aa is the first letter in Sanskrit and Ha is the last letter in Sanskrit. Brahman is also addressed as Akshara that also means imperishable.  In English  it  can be said from A to Z it is  Brahman alone that is Aa to Ha it is all pervaded  by Brahman in Sanskrt and with Ma you close the discussion that is period in English expression-Aa-Ha-M=Aham.

JEWISH exposition   of GOD is from the knowledge of Vedas both being ancient and monotheistic:

YHWH pronounced “Yahweh” means the ever, self-existing one, One Who is eternal and self-contained and sufficient, not dependent upon anyone else, the One Who IS, Who exists, the I AM, I Am who and whatever I wish to be and reveal Myself if and when and how I desire. He is the Source of All that exists because He exists. In the incident of the burning bush in the Book of Exodus, God, speaking out of the bush, tells Moses that this is his name.

 All the above information confirms that there is no question of certain things being taken from Bharat and introduced into another country. In the beginning the Vedic Religion was prevalent all over the world. Later, over the centuries, it must have gone through a process of change and taken different forms. These forms came to be called the original religions of these various lands which in the subsequent period, historical times, came under Buddhism, Jainism, Sikhism,  Judaism, Christianity or Islam as the case may be.   Vedic religion is now authenticated as being more than 8000 year old. It would be therefore wiser for such newly-weds to bring up their children spiritually practicing Sanatana Dharma or the Eternal Tradition. Philanthropic Institutions like Ramakrishna Vedanta Forum are conducting programs on Teaching Vednta to Children. 

Please go through my compilation on the subject:

http://nrsrini.blogspot.com/2019/10/teaching-vedanta-to-children-and-adults.html

http://nrsrini.blogspot.com/2014/06/vivbaaham-hindu-braahma-sacred-matrimony.html

Please also go through another interesting personal experience narration of a Sikh Girl married to a boy from White Race of different faith in USA infatuated by the  natural human  universal binding force of Love given  in the Appendix.

  

APPENDIX

What-It’s-Like-To-Be, The First Woman In My  Family To Choose An Interracial Marriage

By Sahaj Kohli

Growing up, my dad would repeat his house rule almost every week: When you get married, marry a Sikh.

He couldn’t fathom that after moving to America for more opportunities for his family, one of his kids would make the mistake of losing touch with her roots. Through my mid-20s, my parents were still holding out hope that I would end up with a Sikh man.

Sikhism is the fifth-largest religion in the world, originating in Punjab, India. Its central values include the devotion to one God, service, equality, fighting for justice and truthful living. My parents are strict followers of the religion and made sure my siblings and I grew up going to Sikh camps over the summer, learning the Punjabi language and attending our version of Sunday school to learn hymns and history lessons.

I’ve always identified as a Sikh, but it’s been hard to reconcile my identity in my dating life. Before I met my husband, Sam, I dated both Sikh and non-Sikh men. Honestly, I often struggled when I went on dates with Sikh men. In some cases, I either felt too American and like I couldn’t relate or match their cultural experiences, or I was forcing myself to overlook a lack of chemistry or connection to make it work just because they were Sikh. In other cases, conversations about relational and marital expectations laid bare an underlying double standard of how it was only OK for men to grow up in this country and become liberal, opinionated, career-driven people.

When I met Sam on a dating site in 2016, I wasn’t making a conscious decision to be with someone who wasn’t Indian or Sikh. After years of heartbreak and a series of terrible dating experiences, I just wanted to meet a kind, respectful generous man. Sam’s emotional intelligence immediately blew me away, and I learned quickly that he was very different from the men I had dated before.

Marriage is the ultimate success for Indian daughters, and my parents had been worried about me for years. So, at 27, I decided to tell them I had met someone. It was supposed to be positive news. I was happy. 

My parents couldn’t really wrap their heads around me dating a non-Sikh man at first. They couldn’t understand why I would make a relationship and potential marriage even harder by choosing someone so different from me. They were worried for my future, and they pretty much banked on it being something that would pass. Months later, my dad continued to hint at potential Sikh suitors he knew about in the community. No matter how hard it was to actively fight for my happiness, I knew I’d have to ride it out and prove to them this wasn’t short-lived.

This was new for Sam, too. He also had never been with someone of a different race or culture. Someone whose religion is the thread that ties together their values, world views and beliefs. Someone whose culture emphasized family involvement even on personal matters. And while his family only cared that he was happy, Sam waited patiently and respectfully for mine to get on board.

I know that by choosing each other, Sam and I may have chosen a tougher path to go down, but also by choosing each other, we have been able to grow together and so have our families.

We had only been dating for three months when Donald Trump got elected in 2016, and it was the moment I knew Sam and I would either be able to see this through or would have to break up. We had to talk about the elephant in the room: his privilege as a white man. Sam listened intently as I talked through my fears for the turban-wearing men in my family who live in the South, and my own identity crisis. He also owned his place in these ongoing issues, learning to be an ally who knows when to stand by and listen and when to stand up and speak out.

I know if I were with a Sikh man, I wouldn’t necessarily need to have emotionally laborious conversations about race, religion and politics. These differences are a part of what makes my relationship with Sam beautiful, though. All relationships require work and effort, patience and respect and healthy communication. But because Sam and I were forced to address our differences very early on, we’ve also been able to address other big needs and desires out of a partnership ― from money and family involvement to future religious involvement in our relationship to cultural traditions and potential children.

In fact, much of what made me fall for Sam were his values that are foundational in the Sikh religion and of great importance to my family: his generosity to the less fortunate, his respect and desire for community building, his kindness, his nonjudgmental nature and ability to treat everyone as equals. 

I know that by choosing each other, Sam and I may have chosen a tougher path to go down, but we have also been able to grow together and so have our families. There’s been a steep learning curve for all of us. Sam and his loving, open-minded and open-hearted family have been able to break the stereotypes my family unfortunately had of white Americans. And I’ve been able to reconnect with where I come from and who I am by teaching my husband and in-laws about Sikhism and being an Indian in this country.

In May 2017, six months after I told my parents about Sam, I asked them to meet him. If they didn’t approve, I would hear them out and consider ending it. Even though I wouldn’t be able to pursue a partnership with someone my family didn’t approve of, I’ve always known in my heart that my parents want the best for me and truly want me to be happy. I also knew that Sam was special and that when they met him, they’d slowly come around. 

And thankfully, they did. But after Sam proposed in March 2018, everything seemed to get more complicated. Nothing prepared us for how tough wedding planning was going to be over the last year. There are very specific things a groom or a groom’s family are expected to do in a Sikh wedding and it was hard at first for my parents to compromise on certain traditions to make room for Sam’s comfort and our American expectations of what our wedding should feel like ― that our wedding is for us, not just for our community.

Eventually, we were able to create a wedding weekend that upheld the important Sikh wedding traditions with added twists to make it intercultural (i.e., we had a Sikh ceremony followed by a reception in a brewery where Sam played the drums with his band). However, leading up to it, I had massive anxiety wondering if my Sikh community was going to potentially judge my in-laws or not accept them. I was also nervous about how overwhelmed Sam’s family might be by the culture shock of this elaborately planned weekend.

The truth is, I underestimated everyone. In getting so caught up in what it means to marry outside my race and religion, I didn’t give credit to the love that was flowing around our relationship. My family and family’s friends were loving, patient and kind, embracing my in-laws as new members of the community. And my in-laws were enthusiastic, flexible and willing to learn, embracing my culture and tradition with open minds and hearts. I truly couldn’t have asked for any more love or acceptance. 

I always have taken my ability to “choose” my life and partner for granted, when in reality, it’s a privilege. During my Sikh wedding, my dad read the laavan from the scripture from the Guru Granth Sahib (our holy book), which meant he sat in front of us through the entire traditional ceremony. I couldn’t make eye contact with him because I knew we were both processing a series of emotions and it felt like a breach of his privacy.

After the fourth laav, or walk around the Guru Granth Sahib, Sam and I were officially husband and wife. I looked up and locked eyes with my dad, and immediately started bawling.

It was in that moment that I got so overwhelmed by his love for me, a love so much stronger than his own religious beliefs or expectations or needs. I was able to see clearly the weight of the sacrifices and compromises my dad has made through his life to get me to where I was ― sitting next to a man I was privileged enough to choose as my life partner ― with the support of the hundreds of people sitting behind us. Him leaving his family over 30 years ago is the reason I’ve been able to choose Sam as my own.

 As such, I think I’ll always feel a slight sense of guilt for not ending up with a Sikh man. I feel a sense of guilt for not fitting into the role of “obedient, good Indian girl” — for doing whatever it took to make my parents’ lives easier after all they’ve done for me. I went against the grain and chose my happiness over my parents’ expectations.

I know my parents initially wanted me to marry a Sikh, but I also know they truly love and consider Sam like a son. Their acceptance of my partnership and effort to meet me where I am has relieved some of my guilt. I’ve gotten a happy ending, but I know not everyone is as lucky or as supported as I have been.

I don’t know what to expect from my marriage to Sam. I know that this is a journey we will venture on together, but I also know that there will always be personal challenges I have to face alone. I am constantly re-evaluating my identities and relearning what they mean for me.

Sam knows how important it is for me to stay connected to my roots. He doesn’t stand by idly while I navigate my identity crises alone. Instead, he looks up gurdwaras, or Sikh temples, in places near where we are going to live. He takes Bhangra dance lessons. He throws in Punjabi words with my nephews where he can. He educates himself.

My partner’s race and religious beliefs don’t affect my autonomy to explore my own. I am not betraying my family or culture by committing to a partnership that nurtures who I am, supports my experiences and urges my exploration in and out of it. 

Even though it’s been almost two months since the wedding, I have yet to take off my choora — my bridal bracelets and a sign of being a newlywed — and I am starting to realize it may be out of defiance for what a Sikh, Punjabi wife is supposed to look like. I’m figuring it out as I go, and I’m on a path that hasn’t been taken by anyone in my family before, but I know I’m not alone.

I just hope my parents know their move to America didn’t cause their daughter to forget who she is. If anything, it’s given her the privilege of choice. This consciousness has allowed me even greater agency and accountability to choose who I am and how I can live in my hyphenated identity as a Sikh Indian-American married to a white American.

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