HINDU AMERICAN THOUGHTS ON NATIONAL PARENTS’ DAY DURING PANDEMONIUM

 

 

HINDU AMERICAN THOUGHTS ON NATIONAL PARENTS’ DAY DURING PANDEMONIUM

 

(Compilation for a discourse at Sri Ganesha Temple, Nashville, TN by N. R. Srinivasan, July 2020)

 

American Hindu Society is very different from the Society of the Vedic period and in fact even much different from Hindu Society in India today.  Nevertheless they have walked in to American Culture bringing with them some of the old traditions that are still being followed partially or in modified form. They are no longer obliged to support the ever-increasing number of families but are forming nuclear families in urban societies confined to parents and children. While both parents are working they prefer to have their parents to live with them till the kids are ready to move to college-life, and take care of their grand-children rather than depending on day-care centers or Nanny at home. If grand-parents live separate they often visit their grand-kids, shower the parental care, love and affection by frequent visits and long stays when possible or necessary.

 Hindu society is much more family-oriented and close-knit than societies in the West. This is inseparable built-in culture that can never be parted with   wherever they are settled. Every member of Hindu Society is trained to uphold the respectable image of his or her family.  Maintaining the good image of the family is considered one of the primary duties of the family members. The respectability of a Hindu family is determined by the moral virtues of its members and its cultural level, and not necessarily wealth. Every member of the family is expected to uphold or enhance the good image of the family by maintaining its moral and cultural values. The tradition continues.

 

The average size of a typical Hindu Family in India is much larger than a family in the West. Married sons live mostly with their parents, brothers, unmarried sister, and also grand-parents.  In contrast Hindu American Families are mostly nuclear. One interesting factor is Hindu Culture of adaptability and respectability.  I grew up with my maternal uncle and aunt away from my other siblings and our relationship with them and cousins was even more intense than with my real parents! In Vedic culture the child grew under the care of parents till age eight.  Then they entered Gurukula till completion of studies.  The Guru and his wife played the role of real parents till completion of studies. The Guru and his wife looked upon students under their care as their  own children and gave them same amount of love and affection. The students also considered their teacher’s home their own and helped with various household chores. A student was called anantevaasin. The teacher was called the guru or acharya.  Though this Gurukula tradition has vanished its spirit is reflected in celebrating Guru Purnima Day in Hindu American temples even today!

 Hindu society respects its elderly members. Hindu children are taught to be obedient and respectful to their elders.  Talking back disrespectfully to one’s parents or elders is considered uncivilized behavior. Such behavior brings disgrace to the entire family. Through the religious legends and epics of Hinduism, children are made acquainted with the role models of morality, ethics and spirituality at home by grand-parents or in Vedic heritage classes, while working parents are busy. Moreover, social pressure on individuals to uphold good standards of morality and ethics also persuades Hindu parents to behave in a manner which is inspiring to their children. Unless the parents are good and noble, it is futile dream to expect the children to grow up into good and noble members of any society. Children are punished if they misbehave but not abused. Kids surrounded   loving grand-parents, can’t be abused easily as the parent’s action are being watched.

 

PARENTING DURING PANDEMONIUM

This virus is creating pandemonium and chaos — in our Living Rooms. Isolation and social distancing are required for some time to come!   There have not been conditions that require this kind of sacrifice of essential freedoms, liberties and luxuries by the entire country since World War II. There has not been this kind of disruption of the economy since the Great Depression. We are all going to have to endure some significant sacrifices. Isolation and social distancing is just the first of these.

It is important to talk to your children about social isolation as longer term. Another basic parenting technique is to recognize and encourage your kid when they show themselves to be the kind of person you expect them to be. They know what you expect by what you notice. So, when your kid is showing the qualities and behaviors you expect of them during this crisis, be sure to comment on it.  

 By helping your child understand isolation and social distancing, it will make it easier (not easy, easier) for them to accept those limitations. Unfortunately, face-to-face online time with friends will not be very fulfilling to your child. They entertain themselves by doing things, not talking and sharing ideas. So, as you have already realized, YOU have now become their primary playmate! You know how people always say we need to recapture our childlike innocence and joy?  Well, here’s your chance!

Child brought up in loving joint family has many advantages

The child brought up in a joint family where every member loves and respects one another has many advantages. Such a child is emotionally more secure. In a modern family where both the parents go out for work and children are left with a servant or baby sitter, children are emotionally starved, as hardly any one talks to them or appreciates them. In a joint family, if parents or uncles and aunts get angry with the child, he can still get some support from grand-parents. Even in case of a calamity such as father’s or mother’s death, children as well as the whole family get easily adjusted in a joint family. Such a calamity in a small family will amount to the breakdown of the entire family. Children in a joint family get the opportunity of observing how their uncles, aunts and parents love and appreciate one another and respect their parents. Children can learn a lot from the other members of the family. Children also learn to share their toys and sweets with their cousins from the beginning. When they grow up, not only the real brothers and sisters but also their cousins help to develop each other’s personalities as friends, companions and siblings. On the other hand, a joint family where there is no love and respect for one another amongst its members and where individuals have bad habits like drinking can adversely affect the personality of the child. In such a case, it is better to have separate individual families. For Hindus, the family is the ideal environment through which Hindu dharma is passed from one generation to another—a child begins learning about religious traditions, epic stories, ethics, norms, and values, especially by the example set by family members. Here Grandparents play a major role.

 Grandparents play a major role in parenting and bringing up children in a joint family. One cannot think of more loving and more experienced persons who will devote all their time and love for the welfare of the children. The child often feels more secure with and gets more attached to grandparents rather than their busy parents. A faithful servant or baby-sitter will look after the physical needs of the child, while grandparents often become the sculptors of the child’s personality. Grandparents, like parents, can spoil the child by over-protection and favoritism. Grandparents often have their own problems and personalities and it is wrong to expect too much from such grand-parents.

 

What are the problems of children of working parents?

Children of Working Parents that miss Joint Family Environment. The major problem of children of working parents is of emotional deprivation. The child who has his affectionate mother close by to attend to his every need is better off than the child who lacks mother’s attention. Such a child becomes dissatisfied and emotionally insecure. The latter gets attached to the mother substitute, usually a female or a male servant or a baby sitter. The baby easily picks up bad manners, foul language, filthy habits and undesirable behavior from the mother substitute. Often the child poses a problem emotionally when such mother substitute is replaced by another servant or even by the mother herself. There is no substitute to the child’s parents, when one considers the child’s emotional stability, discipline, educational guidance and social training

The working parents may themselves contribute to improper parenting and spoiling the child. For example, they may try to make up for their absence at home by deliberately overlooking the child’s misconduct which otherwise would have been corrected on the spot.

Before we get married, our parents should be the most important people in our lives.  As children, we should obey our parents, grandparents, teachers and other people older to us. We should listen to them. We should serve them and help them. We should make them proud with our good behavior. The scriptures say:

The father, mother, teacher, elder brother and one's provider- these five are considered as one's superiors. He who desires prosperity should revere these superiors at all times by all means, even if he loses his life.   The son should be devoted to them and make their care his first priority.

In the scripture entitled Taittiriya Upaniṣad, it is said that when the students are graduating from their college, their teacher gives them the following parting message:

“May you be one for whom his mother is a Deva. May you be one for whom his father is a Deva. May you be one for whom a guest is a Deva. May you be one for whom his teacher is a Deva.”

The idea is that we should respect, serve and worship our parents, guests  as well as our teachers even before we worship Bhagavān. This is a very unique teaching of our tradition. The western religions always place God before parents. Note that in our tradition, the mother is listed first, because she is the most respectable of all, more than even the father.

Hindu scriptures talks about our duty towards parents. They can be briefly summarized as follows:

Why we must Respect our Parents and Grandparents? To repay our debt to them says Hinduism--Pitru runa:

Because they give birth to us, endure great pains to raise us, educate us and get us settled in our lives. It is a lot due to their love and efforts that we become great in our lives. When we have our own children, our parents then play an important role in giving good values to our children as well. Therefore, when our parents are old and cannot take care of themselves, it is our duty to pay back their love, effort and blessings by serving them and honoring them in every way possible, even at the cost of great personal sacrifice. 

No Deva can equal the mother and no superior can equal one's father. Hence, no son can get relieved of the debt he owes to them.  No person can repay his parents even in 100 years for all the troubles that they go through to give birth to him and raise him to adulthood. Therefore, always try to do whatever pleases your parents and your teacher, because only then does any religious worship done by you will bear any fruit.

In contrast to our scripture's teachings, Jesus Christ in the Bible says that one must leave behind his parents and loved ones and not worry about them to demonstrate his love for God.  That shows the cultural difference.

 The lifespan, knowledge, glory and strength of him increase who pays respects to his elders regularly and serves them. He who serves his parents and teachers truly respects all the teachings of the scriptures. And the person who disrespects them will never get the fruit of any worship.

Therefore, as long as they are alive, no one should devote himself to any other religious undertaking. Rather, he should continue to serve them with full diligence and do whatever pleases them and is beneficial to them. In fact, by serving one’s parents and teachers, a person fulfills all his major religious duties. Other religious acts like worshiping are minor, compared to serving these elders.  

The son who pleases his parents by his good qualities acquires the fruit of all good virtues.  Service to one's parents is the only essence of Dharma and it leads one to Moksha upon death.  

It is the Divine Command to us:

Bhagavān wants us to serve our parents, because they are His direct representatives for us on this earth. Bhagavān has taught us that by serving our parents, we actually worship Him.  

Bhagavān Viṣṇu said to sage Mārkandeya- “They who serve their parents, thinking of their father as the Lord of the Universe, and Mother as the holy River Ganga they indeed are my best Bhaktās.”

 In his various Avatāras, Bhagavān has Himself set an example for us on how we should respect our teachers and our parents. As Rāma, He went to the forest for 14 years, so that his father could keep up a promise given to step-mother. And even though Rāma had to undergo 14 years of hardship due to the machinations of his step-mother, he never became angry with her and forgave her always. We are all familiar with the story of race between  Ganesha and Karttikeya.

 

Saints too have set an example for us about  Devotion to Parents.   Our saints have demonstrated their devotion to their parents in the lives even in their life of sainthood, renouncing the world.

 

Hindu Cultural Norms in Treating     Parents and Grandparents:

There are many rules of etiquette that we follow for honoring and serving our parents:

1.     We never address our parents by their names.

2.     We never shout at them, even when we have an argument with them. We try not to talk back to them.

3.     We never sit with our feet facing them. If we sit on a chair with our legs crossed, the foot on the top should face away from them.

4.     We serve them food before filling our own plate.

5.     When there are insufficient chairs in a room, we give the seat to them and stand ourselves.

6.     We greet them with respect in the morning, and before going to bed.

7.     We try to fulfill their requests and wishes to the best possible extent.

8.     We do not smoke or drink in their presence and better, not even in their absence.

9.     We obey their wishes cheerfully and act on them.

10.    We defer to their opinion because they are wiser and more knowledgeable, if we are not sure of our own judgment and wisdom.

 

Serving Parents in their Old Age

In traditional homes, elderly parents live with their children and grandchildren (or in their close proximity) till their very end. As a result, they pass their last days happily, playing with their grand-children, and being served lovingly by their children whom they had raised with great effort and pain in their own younger years.

 

In modern times however, many young couples do not want to take care of their old parents. The excuse of these young couples is that they do not have enough money to take care of their kids as well as their own parents. Sometimes, both the husband and wife are working and therefore they arrange to have their aged parents housed in an old age home where a full-time staff takes care of them. Unfortunately, some people do not want to have their elderly parents around because they do not want to see them or do not want their own little kids to see them suffering of illness of old age.

 

In old age, people like to live in a fixed location and are not very comfortable moving around. Unfortunately, modern life has become very mobile. Job changes force us to move from one town to another. In many cases, we do not change our job, but it is the job itself that moves to another city because the employer decided to move their plant or office to the new location. Moving with elderly parents to following a new job to a new location can be traumatic for both the couple and also their elderly parents who are staying with them. And yet, it is not right to just leave behind one’s aged parents and live thousands of miles away from them.

 

We must respect our parents, whoever they may be and in whatever condition they may be.  We must respect their words and obey their commands, without any reservation. Then only we will be able to command respect from society. All the great people in yesteryears did obey and respect their parents and set an example to the world.

 

We are celebrating National Parent’s Day this year in the midst of Corona Virus Pandemonium that has brought lot  of  Mental  Health  Effects on  active on-line working at home parents and on-line engaged studying children.  Hindu Americans are among the top ten percent intellectuals in USA among the working class.  Their children are also motivated not only to succeed but   excel in their student life and career life. So they are always subject to stress and speed unlike their Western counter parts who relax and stretch out.  Here are some EQ management advices for both parents and their active kids. These advices are more essential to Hindu American Parents who are Helicopter Parents even during normal times and Hindu kids are more pressurized to be on the top in their studies and extra-curricular activities than others,

 

 Mental Health Effect during Corona Virus Pandemic

While the exact cause of depression during pandemics like present COVID-19 is not known, the leading scientific theory is that it is caused by an imbalance of the brain’s neurotransmitters, which are chemical messengers that send signals between brain cells.   Parents can use SQ techniques and practice Yoga with children to combat pandemonium.

ere

Mental Health Effects (EQ) during the present global pandemic are very important to monitor, especially in children.  Although it has been estimated that youth and young adults have the lowest mortality rates from COVID-19, they are not immune to its consequences. Many students across the nation are dealing with sudden changes to their social lives and daily routines, the inability to access education,  food insecurity  and some may even experience unsafe (emotional or physical) home environments. These challenges can present feelings of sadness, despair, anxiety and stress. Parents, who are already struggling to balance telework and childcare, should try to focus daily on creating a positive home environment and continuing to build quality relationships with children to help them feel secure and confident in uncertain times. Regular family meals are one way to nurture relationships and check in with our children. “The feeling of a safe environment where the relationships really matter in a positive way is essential and will have a strong effect in the long term,” Dr. Noam said.

We must be available to young children and in close distance as much as possible. Parents should practice their own self-care so they are rested and patient with little ones who need them throughout the day.  Parents of school going children should choose their battles over school-work. “Don’t pick a fight when it will compromise the quality of the parent-child relationship and try to transition a potential conflict into something more positive. Do not set low expectations or avoid creating needed structure - just remember that consistent criticism can create a bad environment for everyone. Playing games, listening and providing hope are other constructive ways to build a stronger connection. When possible try to watch teen agers movies and listen to music together with your teen. Learn their world, but also respect their need for privacy and time alone as they are used to spending more time with their friends” says Dr. Noam.

Research suggests times of crisis can have long term effects on a child’s behavior as well as their mental and emotional well-being. However, we also know that with the right support, hard times can build resiliency in young people, giving them the ability to better handle stress and rebound from a setback or challenge, said Dr. Noam. While it is completely normal for youth to experience a wide range of emotions during uncertain times, severe or prolonged feelings of depression or sadness may be an opportunity to provide them with additional support.  For those young persons that are experiencing intense worry or sadness about current or future events, and it is disrupting their ability to cope with everyday life, medical centers are available as helpful resources to offer additional support.

 Parents are most important people in our lives.  It is no surprise this important subject had caught the attention of UN long before though it has assumed greater importance during pandemonium. As the COVID-19 pandemic continues its exponential growth,   it is essential to support working families to minimize negative consequences for children.  With these thoughts in the background   Global Parents’ Day  was celebrated on June 1 and India followed UN.

 During the 1980's, the United Nations began focusing attention on the issues related to the family. In 1983, based on the recommendations of the Economic and Social Council, the Commission for Social Development in its resolution on the Role of the family in the development process (1983/23) requested the Secretary-General to enhance awareness among decision makers and the public of the problems and needs of the family, as well as of effective ways of meeting those needs. In its resolution 44/82 of 9 December 1989, The General Assembly proclaimed 1994 as the International Year of the Family; and in resolution 47/237 of 1993, the General Assembly decided that  May  15 of every year to be observed as the International Day of Families.

In Western Culture Majority American Concept family consists of parents and Children only.  So In 1994 President Bill Clinton signed into law a resolution adopted by the US Congress to establish the fourth Sunday of every July as   National Parents' Day instead Family Day that would have suited very well Hindu Americans who love joint family life when possible. According to the Congressional Resolution, Parents’ Day is established for “recognizing, uplifting, and supporting the role of parents in the rearing of children”.   In 2020 National  Parents’ Day  will be  celebrated on July 26.

UN located in USA is often influenced by American culture and so in addition to International Day of Families it also created Global Parents’ Day. Designated by the General Assembly in 2012, Global Day of Parents on June 1, provides an opportunity to appreciate all parents for their "selfless commitment to children and their lifelong sacrifice towards nurturing this relationship."

Emphasizing the critical role of parents in the rearing of children, the Global Day of Parents recognizes that the family has the primary responsibility for the nurturing and protection of children. For the full and harmonious development of their personality, children should grow up in a family environment and in an atmosphere of happiness, love and understanding. As the COVID-19 pandemic continues its exponential growth, a technical note from UNICEF, ILO and UN Women on family-friendly policies and other good workplace practices in the context of COVID-19 shows that it is essential to support working families to minimize negative consequences for children.

India is somehow got attracted  to  Global Parent’s Day than International Day of Families  because  more and more parents live with their children alone forced by job opportunities. For Hindu Americans it is obligatory to go with the National Parents’ Day Celebration on which day they usually run to temples. A question arises as to which sanctum to focus in a Multi traditional Temple of multi deities as to the presiding deity for the day. Here we can look at various deities and decide on the most appropriate deity, drawing support from   Puranas and ancient temples in India!

Worship in two famous ancient temples in India brings our focus on Family Values that is so much valued and respected in Hinduism.   In Puri Jagannath Temple we worship  young siblings together, Balarama, Krishna and Subhadra, based on long standing belief that Jagannatha is Krishna, though recent researches reveal they are  Narasimha and Lakshmi under the canopy of Sankarshana on Ratna Vedhi !

 Only in Chennai Divyksahetrta   Parthasarathy Temple   Rukmini, Krishna, Pradyumna (son) and Aniruddha (grandson) are installed together in the same sanctum and worshiped together, a perfect Family Worship in modern definition of Family of parents and grand-parents.  Krishna’s friend Satyaki can also be seen in this rare assembly in Chennai. Generally in all other temples Krishna is   popularly worshiped together with Radha his life-time girl-friend that He did not keep secret or was afraid of. Value of Family and Friends is a long-standing Hindu-society norm!  For grand celebration like wedding or Upanayanam both friends and relatives are invited! Surprisingly Chennai temple was the house original abode of Laksahmi Narasimha who obliged tired Parthasarathy who returned after Mahabharata war seeking rest Ugra Narasimha relieved devotional Prahlada from the clutches of his   cruel father!  His sanctum faces west.   Dutiful son Prahlada begged Ugra Narasimha to save his cruel father from all sins and grant Moksha. Surprised and pleased Narasimha cooled down, came out of his anger as pleasing Lakshmi Narasimha. They both adopted Prahlada as their own child and nurtured him.  Hence he was called Prahlada Varada. It is an Ideal Temple of Family Values that includes an intimate friend where I grew up as a boy and never missed a day of temple visit in my early boyhood days! So both these deities are ideal as guardian angels of Family Values and ideal for Parent Day Worship on this very important Special Religious Annual Event in Hindu American Temples though some temples think of “Jagatah Pitharah Parvatee  Parameswarah” who strangely neither led a Happy married life nor brought forth  womb-born children together!

Here are some typical sacred hymns that mandate we should pay our obeisance to our parents that are too many in Hindu scriptures:

 

HINDU SCRIPTURAL HYMNS ON PARENTS

yam maataapitarau klesam sahete  sambhave nrinam  | na tasya nishkritih sakyaa kartum varshasataie rapi ||

Parents who gave birth and rear children face agony that cannot be got over in a hundred years. Therefore the father, mother and teacher must always be kept happy and content through care and service. This is important to attain true value and success in life.--(Manusmriti 2/227)

Imam lokam matrubhaktyaa pitrubhaktyaa tu madhyamam |

 guru susrushayaa tvevam brahmalokam samasnute ||

One attains happiness in the community through reverence to the mother.  One attains happiness in the world through reverence to the father. One attains happiness of Brahmaloka through reverence to the teacher. Those who have the blessings of all the three find happiness that all the religion can give, without the blessing the three no religion can give honor or respect. None of their deeds bear beneficial fruit. As long as parents and teachers are alive, they must be served. No rituals or customs are necessary. Serving them is the duty. It is the best religion--(Manusmriti  2/233)

 Pitroscha poojanam kritvaa prakaantim  cha karoti cha |

tasya vai prithiveejanyaphalam bhavati nischitam ||

apahaaya grihe yo vai pitaroteerthamaavrrajet |

tasya paapam tathaa proktam hanane cha tayoryathaa ||

putrasya cha mahatteertham pitroscharanapankajam |

anyateertha tu doore vai gatvaa sampraapyate  npunah ||

idam sannihitam teertham sulabham dharmasaadhanam|

putrasya cha striyaaschaiva teertham gehe sisobhanam||

That son who reveres his father and mother wholeheartedly attains the fruit of having gone around the world. Whoever leaves them home and travels alone even though on pilgrimage sins as though he has killed his parents. For a s on the feet of the parents are like pilgrimage. To visit customary pilgrimage one needs to travel long distances. This pilgrimage is close at hand. For the man the love and respect of his parents  and for a woman the love and  respect of her husband are the best pilgrimages available within at home-- (Sivapuranam)

 

American Hindu Dharmic Way of Taking Care of Aging Parents

Damara Shanmugan was converted to Hinduism in 1992. Her parents are   not Hindus. Damara Shanmugan, 67, took her guru Satguru Sivaya Subra- maniyaswami’s advice and has been caring for her mother for 19 years. The following article unpacks her experiences. As more and more Hindus no longer live in joint families where the care of the parents is insured, they, too, may face a decision sometime in their life to either seek professional care for their parents in a home, or to recreate the joint family—a challenging adventure, as we shall see. Kindness, compromise and tenacity are daily visitors as she   looks  after  her  94-year-old mom. Damara Shanmugan   moved back to her family home to take care of her Parents nineteen years ago and worked to fulfill Gurudeva’s advice. Please go through her own narration as to what were the advices and how she is following them implicitly. Every one of you may need these guidelines should a need arises to take care of your aging parents:

 

“Living with Aging Parents--My father passed away a year later,  after my  conversion in 1992, and I have lived with my mother since. These guidelines, observations and helpful hints have come to light over time.

I converted to Hinduism in 1992 through the namakarana samskara, naming-giving ceremony. My parents are not Hindus. They live by different standards and life-style choices than I do, and this made for a challenging experience. But true service is about the person or persons being served, not about the person doing the serving. Clearly, service is not about imposing our own beliefs, ideals and standards on anyone else; rather, it is about honoring those we serve exactly as they are.

As adult care-giving children, we need all the skills we can acquire for successfully and lovingly dealing with our aging parents. Positive discipline, the art of raising children based on treating each other with dignity and respect, is invaluable. These same positive discipline guidelines, used to raise our children and grandchildren without violence, are perfectly adaptable to all situations and all age groups. The ethical principles called yamas and niyamas can be applied even when aging parents and adult care-giving children are of different religions. Care is needed every day and in every negotiation. Communication skills are essential and extra care must be taken not to condescend in any way. Being in total harmony all of the time takes attention, constant inner vigilance, practice, persistence and patience.

[Hindu Scriptures talk about the duty of their children at length in various Puranas, Smritis , Neetisastras and others.  Here are some Codes of Dharma from Manusmriti, Kurma Purana and  Narada Purana:

“In the scripture entitled Taittiriya Upaniṣad, it is said that when the students are graduating from their college, their teacher gives them the following parting message:

“May you be one for whom his mother is a Deva. May you be one for whom his father is a Deva. May you be one for whom a guest is a Deva. May you be one for whom his teacher is a Deva 

 No Deva can equal the mother and no superior can equal one's father. Hence, no son can get relieved of the debt he owes to them. No person can repay his parents even in 100 years for all the troubles that they go through to give birth to him and raise him to adulthood. Therefore, always try to do whatever pleases your parents and your teacher, because only then does any religious worship done by you will bear any fruit.

 The lifespan, knowledge, glory and strength of him increase who pays respects to his elders regularly and serves them. He who serves his parents and teachers truly respects all the teachings of the scriptures. And the person who disrespects them will never get the fruit of any worship.

Therefore, as long as they are alive, no one should devote himself to any other religious undertaking. Rather, he should continue to serve them with full diligence and do whatever pleases them and is beneficial to them.  In fact, by serving one’s parents and teachers, a person fulfills all his major religious duties. Other religious acts like worshiping are minor, compared to serving these elders. 

The son who pleases his parents by his good qualities acquires the fruit of all good virtues.  Service to one's parents is the only essence of Dharma and it leads one to Moksha upon death”].

 

Whether the adult care-giving child comes to live in the home of the aging parent(s) or the aging parent(s) come to live in their child’s home, the following practical guidelines are basically the same.

1)`You are still the child: Age seems to make no difference here. Kindness is needed after an adult care-giving child, age 67, has been reminded for the fourth time in 15 minutes to make sure that the front door is locked. Caring parents of any age seem to always take pleasure in making sure that their children are safe and prepared for any eventuality. Perhaps this keeps the mind of an aging parent keen, active and alert. It is wonderful to be so lovingly looked after.

 

2) Money matters: Parents learned to financially survive and thrive and tend to expect the exact same set of financial priorities and standards from their children and grandchildren when it comes to money, spending and investing.

It can cause a great deal of anxiety for the parent when it seems as though everyone younger is squandering money. Care must be taken to find a comfortable balance between the wisdom of the parent and the needs of the younger family. Most often, adults here in America that are caring for their aging parents keep their own finances completely separate as long as possible. This allows the parent to feel independent, responsible and useful. Even in the most loving and trusting relationships there can be confusion and hurt feelings about money. Loans should be avoided if at all possible, but if they do become necessary, payments should be made regularly. They should be promptly and cheerfully paid in full with much sincere gratitude toward the lender. The care-giving child should never assume that the parent’s money is his or her own to do whatever he or she wants with. Nor do most parents want the added responsibility of managing the money of a grown child. Responsibility for household expenses should be fairly divided or shared according to the family’s financial situation.

If the parents have moved to the child’s house, rather than to theirs as I have done, Gurudeva advised financially secure children to cover all the expenses of the home and not request rent or any money from the parents. Of course, that is not always possible.

Any negotiating needs to be done with the careful fairness based on dignity and respect. Special consideration should be given to the financial circumstances of both parties. Seldom are the care-giving child and the parent(s) on exactly equal financial ground. Honest communication, give and take and openness to change as time goes by will ensure that fairness persists. Any family wants to stay away from the bad karma of a “Cinderella” situation. “Poor little mother” or “poor little daughter” are equally unbalanced and unfair. If one party feels entitled to be totally financially taken care of by the other, it will foster despair and resentment. Joyfully decide what bills and needs are to be paid by whom.

 

3) The single parent: When one parent has passed away, the surviving parent often has expectations and passes along the duties and responsibilities of the deceased partner to the care-giving child.

“The knives need to be sharpened.” Or, “The house needs to be painted.” Negotiation skills are essential here. Taking on and learning a new skill can be an exhilarating exercise in resourcefulness and ingenuity. It is up to the care-giver to know the difference between what is possible to learn and do and what must be contracted out to others, all according to the household budget and the agreement of all sides. It is OK to realize that some tasks cannot reasonably be done by you.

Most communities have wonderful senior services available. Take advantage of them. Whether it is attending a free seminar on the latest laws affecting living trusts or free flu shots, these services are well thought out and informative. Some senior centers even offer free exercise programs like yoga and swimming. In some cases, these services are available to both parties.

 

4) Freedom versus independence: Having an aging parent is like raising a teenager, only in reverse. Responsibilities and duties are only to be taken over when it becomes absolutely necessary. It can be very hard to give up one’s independence. Often the tendency of the son or daughter is to do everything for the parent. But what seems to be kindness by the caretaker can be very debilitating and insulting, making the parent feel useless.

Aging parents should be allowed to drive as long as they can safely do so. They should be left to balance their own checkbooks and dole out their own medications as long as they can do so accurately. And yet, the son or daughter should not hesitate to take over any or all responsibilities and duties as it becomes necessary. It is a very delicate dance, and much prayer and sensitivity is needed.

Asking the parent questions like “Do you need my help? Can I help you?” might just be answered with, “No.” It is better to ask, “How are you coming along with that? Be sure and let me know if I can help you.” Changing a few words in any sentence can set a more harmonious and comfortable tone.

There is another side to freedom. In 2012 my mother fell twice, both times requiring surgery. She has become so frail that I dare not leave her along for more than a few minutes. This means no trips to the bank or the grocery store, not even to the temple. I am a care team of one and this has dramatically changed my life.

 

5) No longer fit to drive: When the parent is no longer able to safely drive an automobile, the adult care-giving child should cheerfully take the parent wherever he or she needs to go, safely and on time. This becomes the joyful job of the caretaker.

Many aging parents feel that the world is going too fast and that their adult care-giving child should slow down, starting with this car ride! Pointing out the legal speed limit is a good place to start to ease the fears of the parent.

Take a book along to read in the doctor or dentist’s office or get a portable computer and answer your e-mail. Enjoy your parents’ friends and get books for your own interests at the library.

Parents need to be lovingly encouraged to get out of the house sometimes. If no longer able to drive, they may feel they are a burden and be reluctant to bother you with going anywhere that is “unnecessary.” Short, local trips can be planned, and you can invite your parent to accompany you on errands or to visit with your friends, too. Taking mom along to a sewing class or a shopping trip can be fun for both of you.

Negotiating what to do with the extra vehicle, transfer of registration for the Department of Motor Vehicles, insurance and maintenance expenses all need to be worked out. Consideration should be given to which vehicle is the most economical to run, has the least amount of wear and tear and therefore will best benefit the family in the long run. It might mean a daughter gives up a passenger car for a truck or a son gives up a truck for a passenger car.

 

6) Privacy and lack thereof: Due to the influence of Westernized values, most adult care-giving children of aging parents have lived independently for a number of years while pursuing their careers and raising their children. Moving back in with or inviting a parent to live in your home can cause some interesting privacy issues. Compromise, communication and negotiation are the keys to working things out to everyone’s mutual satisfaction. Simple common courtesies, such as knocking before entering, talking in a soft voice, keeping telephone conversations short, keeping the volume of music and television down, can solve many privacy issues. And, honestly, giving up some privacy is a natural part of any family’s living together. Lack of privacy is generally hardest to adjust to when the child has lived alone for a period of time.

Being there: When adult children take care of their aging parents, dharma is fulfilled

 

7) Your adjustments: Let’s face it, living with parent(s) again as an adult is weird! It is like some kind of a warped Deja vu. Some things are just as we remember them, and other things are completely different. We have spent decades living apart from our parents, all the time evolving into adults by virtue of our own life experiences. Meanwhile, our parents have evolved from healthy, all-knowing and confident adults into frail, unsure and dependent elders. Their children have gray hair. The relentless and inevitable changes of time are evident to all.

 

8) Agreeing to disagree: There are some basic life issues that adult children and parents may never agree on—hot issues like vegetarianism, religion, politics, the concept of organic gardening, charity, holistic medicine, death and dying, heaven and hell. If argued about, or even discussed, these issues can cause constant disharmony within the home. It is good to identify such issues early on and avoid becoming entangled in the energy of two egos wanting the satisfaction of being right. Keeping our opinions to ourselves and allowing parents the dignity of expressing their own beliefs is how we honor them.

It helps to understand where and how, they, as members of their own generation, and products of their own life experiences, have formed their beliefs. Living with an aging parent is not about trying to change his or her mind about anything. Futility is a good teacher. As a general rule, answer the questions you are asked as simply as possible and wait for another question. It is not a good idea to constantly tell a parent what we think about issues.

In living with others there are always the little things that can drive one another crazy. These are easily and quickly identified! Recognize what they are on your side and see that they never happen again. Make a happy game out of this. For example, Gurudeva always told us to leave a room cleaner than we found it and to work for the sake of the work, not the praise that we expect from it.

 

9) Accept your parents as they are: Changing another person is simply impossible (it’s hard enough to change yourself!). If our aging parents annoy, disappoint or frustrate us, the only way that this can ever be turned around is for us, as adult care-giving children, to absorb our reactions within ourselves. Our aging parents are teaching us how to be aging parents. It is a wonderful life lesson being taught right before our very own eyes. We may learn how to be the perfect non-irritating, aging parent for our own adult children.

Perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind is to treat our parents just as we hope to be treated in the future. Adult care-giving children are the living example to their own children and grand-children. It has been said that we teach people how to treat us. May all of our acts and deeds, punyakarma and sukarma, bring loving reactions to us in the future.

Aging parents enjoy being a vital part of the extended family household. Being in the heart of an active household keeps them from becoming depressed and lonely. Generally, they love to recount stories and give guidelines and advice to just about anyone who will listen. Elders love to hold newborn babies for a minute or two, but it may not be wise to expect them to babysit infants for extended periods, but let being with young children and babies happen on an enjoyment level rather than on a responsibility level. Elders like quiet time and even solitude sometimes. But careful attention should be paid for signs of depression.

10) End-of-life issues: Aging parents live their own lives and will die on their own terms. Expecting them to make decisions according to anyone else’s standards and beliefs just sets us up for heartache. It is so important to support them by unconditionally honoring their personal decisions about living and dying. It can be frustrating when they are not willing or able to make even small changes to improve their life or health. Parents have their own karma and astrological timing.

The hospice movement is an organization of devas or angels put on this Earth to assist the family when the time to leave the body behind comes. It is important to recognize the inevitable moment when their help should be sought.

 

 Aadheenam in Hawaii, Gurudeva was asked the following question, “Many of us are now living with our aging parents, and they live by different standards and life-style choices than we do. Some of them smoke, eat meat and drink, for example. How are we, their Hindu adult care-giving children, to react to this?” Gurudeva smiled and said, “Light their cigarettes and pour their wine!” Everyone smiled.”

 

Sathya Saibaa on Duties and Responsibilities Towards Parents

 

Sathya Saibaba has given several lectures on “Duties and Responsibilities towards Parents “.  Here are some of his advices:

 

The mother who bore you, the father who fostered you and the teacher who opened your eye to the mystery of Nature in and around you, have all to be revered.

You must bring joy to your parents, by your behavior. The parents must feel happy that their children are obeying them.

The first requisite for children is to have love and regard for parents to whom they owe everything.

When you prostrate before elders, the mind too must be humble; it is not the body alone that should bend!

 

It takes an incredible amount of patience and sacrifice to raise a child from its childhood to adulthood. Parents are a safe place for a child, and they remain as the most trustworthy people even when the child grows up. A person must understand how much a mother or father compromises his/her wellbeing. Parents day wishes messages are exclusively for this purpose.

 

Our parents deserve our honor and respect for giving us life itself. Beyond this, they almost always made countless sacrifices as they cared for and nurtured us through our infancy and childhood, provided us with the necessities of life, and nursed us through physical illnesses and the emotional stresses of growing up. – Ezra Taft Benso

 

Unfortunate rare-few may not be in a mood to celebrate this day that need no further elaboration in this modern world! But they too need to realize that they are not celebrating just Parents’ Day but Universal Institutional Parents-hood Day! That is why Hindu Americans rush to temples to celebrate chanting “Jagatah Pitarau vande” worshiping Lakshmi--Narasimha, Parents of Prahlada or Rukmini-Krishna Parents of Pradyumna (as in the Divyakshetra Chennai Parthasarathy Temple) on Parents’ Day!

Parents are not just mom and dad. But together they form an institution for a child. Happy parents day to all those parents who never give up on their child!

 

   APPENDIX

Stories on the Devotion of Children to their Parents

Śravaṇakumāra, the Devoted Son Long, long ago, there lived a boy named Śravaṇakumara. His parents were very old and blind. Śravaṇakumara was a very devoted son and loved his parents a lot. Once, they expressed their desire to go on a pilgrimage to holy places. But, being very poor, they could not afford to travel on a cart driven by bullocks or on a chariot driven by horses. How could the little boy fulfill the wishes of his parents?

Guess what! Śravaṇa was so intelligent and caring that he made them sit on two baskets and tied them to the ends of a stick. He then carried them on his shoulder and walked on foot towards Kashi – a holy place. He believed that duty towards his parents was of utmost importance.

One day, when they were crossing a thick forest, the old parents felt thirsty. So they said – “Dear Śravaṇa, we are very thirsty. Please go and see if you could get some water for us.” On hearing this, the young boy went looking for water in the forest. At the same time, King Dasharath was passing through the forest for hunting animals. He was so skilled in shooting arrows with his bow that he could hit his target with arrows just by hearing the animal’s sound.

As it was already late in the night, the King was hiding on a tree at the bank of a river and waiting to hear the sound of an animal so that he could take aim and shoot. Soon, Śravaṇa happened to come to that same river bank to fill his jug with water. As he immersed the jug into the river water, King Dasharath heard the bubbling sound and immediately fired an arrow in that direction of the sound, thinking that it was a deer.

Can you guess what happened? Yes, King Dasharath’s arrow hit Śravaṇa Kumar. Immediately, the injured Śravaṇa screamed in extreme pain. Realizing that he had hit a human and not a deer, King Dasharath rushed to the river bank. He saw that his arrow had pierced the heart of poor Śravaṇa.

Even though Śravaṇa Kumar was in great pain, he only thought of his blind parents who were thirsty for water. He said to King Dasharath – “I had come to fetch some water for my blind parents but I have not been able to fulfill their wishes. I am not angry with you for killing me, because it was just my bad luck. But please do take this jug of water because they are thirsty and are waiting for me to bring them some water.” Speaking these words, Śravaṇa Kumar breathed his last.

Dear children, what do you learn from this story? The story shows that although Śravaṇa was a little boy, he was very devoted to his parents. He was also intelligent in planning a way to take his parents on a pilgrimage and was ready to sacrifice his life for them at any moment. Even when he was dying, he only thought about getting water for his thirsty parents. Therefore, we remember Śravaṇa Kumar even today as an ideal son and hope to have children who are as devoted to their parents as Śravaṇa Kumar was to his parents.

 

Story: Kṛṣṇa visits Pundalik, the Devoted Son and therefore His Devotee

The city of Pandharpur in southern Maharashtra in peninsular India has the famous temple of Viṭhoba, a form of Kṛṣṇa. The temple has been associated with the Warkari tradition and has attracted dozens of saints in the last several centuries.

 The shrine’s origins are related to one Pundalika who lived with his wife and old parents. Pundalika treated his parents with disdain. Once, his parents requested Pundalika to take them for a holy dip in the Ganga river in the city of Varanasi. Far from assisting them with their pilgrimage, Pundalik got angry and literally turned them out. “Go on your own, and fend for yourself on your journey to Varanasi,” he said to them.

But, after a few days, he had a change of heart and thought that perhaps he and his wife too could visit Varanasi and get the benefit of the pilgrimage, and then bring his parents back. He was filled with remorse and guilt for ill-treating his own elderly parents. He woke up his wife, and they set out on their horses to look for his parents. Luckily, he found them soon. He took them respectfully on horseback to Varanasi, and after the pilgrimage was over, they all returned home.

Now onwards, Pundalika was a changed man. He was now devoted to his parents. Far away in the city of Dwaraka, Kṛṣṇa heard about the beautiful transformation of Pundalika and He decided to visit him. His wife Rukmini asked Krishna, “Why do you want to visit Pundalik?” Krishna replied, “Because by serving his parents, he has been worshiping Me all the time.”

When Kṛṣṇa reached Pundalika’s home, the latter was absorbed in massaging his father’s feet and therefore did not pay attention to the visitor. But when he noticed the divine light emitting from the body of Krishna, he turned around and said, “My Lord, I am serving my parents right now and cannot leave the feet of my father unattended. But I am throwing this brick at you. Kindly use this as a stool till I am done with my father, and then I will come and attend to you. Krishna humbly stood on the brick, waiting patiently for Pundalika, with His hands on his waist, his arms akimbo.

When Pundalika’s father went to sleep, he went to the door to welcome Kṛṣṇa. The Lord was so pleased with Pundalika’s regard for his parents now, that he asked Pundalika to request a boon from Him. Pundalika had just one request, “Bhagavān, please stay with me forever on this brick.” Kṛṣṇa complied and transformed Himself into the Mūrti of ‘Vitṭhala’ ^[15]. Pundalika was too declared a saint after some time. Over his samādhi in a temple on the Bhima river, a Śivalinga was erected. Even today, pilgrims first visit the Śiva temple before offering worship at the Vitṭhala temple in Pandharpur. This story shows how Pundalika earned the blessings of Bhagavān by doing his duty towards his parents.

Ganesha and Karttikeya – Who won the race

One day, Bhagavān Śiva and Devi Parvati called their two sons Ganesha and Karttikeya. Parvati said to them – “I want you two to have a race. Both of you should start from here. Then go around the world one time and return here. I have a very tasty mango. Whichever one of you comes first, will get to eat this mango.

Now Karttikeya was very happy when he heard this. He was sure that he will win the race, because he can fly on a peacock. But Ganesha only had a mouse on which he could travel. So how Ganesha could beat him in the race?

As soon as their father Śiva said ‘one, two, and three…..” Karttikeya sat on his peacock and started flying on his peacock to go around the world. But Ganesha did not even start! Instead, he folded his hands in a ‘Namaste’ and bowed in front of his parents. Then, he just took a round of his parents, and said – “Dear Mom and Dad, you are more important to me than the whole world. Therefore, I will just go around you three times.” Just after Ganesha had completed his third round, Karttikeya landed back on his peacock.

Karttikeya was so happy to see that Ganesha had not even left that place. “Aha,” he said, “I have won the race.” “No,’ said their mother Parvati, “It is your brother Ganesha who won.” Karttikeya was shocked. “This is cheating, Ganesha did not even leave this place,” he said.

But their parents explained to him – “Look, we only wanted to test you two brothers. Ganesha won because he showed that he loved his parents more than the whole world. But you thought you can leave your parents behind and win a prize. So, the mango will be given as a prize to Ganesha.”

Karttikeya learned a very nice lesson from his brother Ganesha. He learned that no one else in the world cares for us as much as our parents. Therefore, we should always give more importance and respect to our parents than anyone else in the whole world. This is what Ganesha had done, and therefore he won the race!

Story: Śankaracharya Changes the Course of River for his Mother

In the late 7^th century CE lived a young boy Śankaracharya with his widowed mother in the village of Kaladi in the Indian state of Kerala. One day, his mother fell ill and she was no longer able to walk from a hut to batch in the river that flowed at a distance.

The little boy Śankaracharya got together his friends and dug a channel from the river that flowed right past his home. Now his mother just had to walk out of their home for a dip. This channel dug by Śankaracharya still exists to today. After sometime, Śankaracharya wanted to become a Sadhu in pursuit of spiritual knowledge. His mother was very worried at that because he was her only support. However, Śankaracharya made sure that his relatives would provide for his aged mother. He also promised to her that he would return to see her whenever she needed him. Many years later, when Śankaracharya had become a very learned and a famous saint, he felt that his mother needed him. By his yogic powers, he flew back to his home where his mother was waiting for him before she breathed her last. By his spiritual powers, he had her get a darśana of Viśṇu and Śiva. When she passed away, he prepared for her cremation.

According to tradition, a Sadhu is not allowed to cremate his parents, because he has technically ended all his relations with everyone. So, Śankaracharya prayed and by a miracle, the wooden pyre with his mother’s body lit on its own. Those who had gathered around to criticize Śankaracharya saw the   miracle and felt ashamed at their own harshness. They asked the saint for forgiveness and he obliged.